The end of the school year is always a crazy time for me as a teacher. This year was no exception, as I discussed in a previous post. Aside from all the logistical hoops through which I had to jump, there was also the poignancy of saying goodbye to my flock of third grade graduates, to whom I'd become deeply attached. I thought that this year I might not have much time to dwell on the transition, due to my impending departure (tomorrow!) to Israel...incorrect! I always, always have time for Transition Anxiety because, if I'm going to be honest, "change" isn't really my thing.
Sure enough, not even one day after closing up my classroom for the summer, I felt the anxiety set in. For ten and a half months of the year, work is my world and "teacher" is my identity. My colleagues are my "other family," and each year my heart grows just a little bit larger to hold a new class of students, all of whom become "my kids." When I am at work, I know who I am and I like that version of myself. I thrive on the structure of my days, and I know how to deliver what is expected of me. No matter how much I need summer vacation, it is always a tough adjustment. I usually feel a bit lost without my usual routine, I miss the easy social connections I have with the other teachers, and I definitely miss the kids. At the bottom of all of this is the unspoken question, Who am I outside of teaching? It's murky territory, and I don't like it.
Coincidentally (or not?), when I picked up my copy of, Toward a Meaningful Life: The wisdom of the Rebbe Menachem Mendel Schneerson, this past Shabbat, I opened directly to the chapter titled, "Upheaval and Change." To be fair, most of the Rebbe's teachings in this chapter are intended to refer to global upheaval and catastrophic events, but I think they can be applied to personal life changes and transitions, as well. Put generally, the Rebbe says that when things around us are changing, we can use our relationship with Hashem to ground us. Upheaval gives us the chance to separate who we are from our material world, to get in touch with that which is at our cores and does not change. Additionally, he teaches that change is an opportunity for growth:
"Our sages teach, 'Who is wise? The one who sees the birthing' [Talmud, Tamid 32a]--not just the darkness, but how it leads to light. Growth occurs in three stages: an embryonic state, a void between old and new, and a state of transformation. Upheaval is the middle, chaotic stage. From our human perspective, it may appear as an abyss, but in the larger view, it is the first sign of something new, a birthing."
I think recovery is definitely this way--the "letting go" stage, when we release our hold on the eating disorder but don't yet have anything positive to cling to, certainly can feel like a frightening abyss. But, as the Rebbe says, that chaos leads to transformation and growth into a fuller, more authentic life.
I can also apply it to where I am in this moment: the transitional space between "teacher mode" and summer. It is hard for me to let go of teaching and the comfortable routine it brings. But when I stop and think, I know that I am the same "me" whether I am working or not, that who I am is more than my profession, and that maybe this time away from work will give me an opportunity to develop some of the other aspects of myself that get a bit lost during the year. Tomorrow I will fly to Israel, where I will get to spend time with people dear to my heart, learning texts I love in a place that is my second home. If I allow myself to expand beyond my identity as a teacher, if I let myself fully inhabit the experiences of this next month, then I know I will grow in ways I can't yet anticipate. Getting to that growth requires some traveling through uncertainty, but if the choice was either, a) consistency and stagnation, or, b) disruption and transformation, I know I would choose "b," hands down.
So, for all of us staring down some sort of transition or change and the anxiety it brings, I share the words of the Rebbe and our sages as a reminder that if we can weather the bumps in the road, we will be rewarded with a birth into new beginnings. I will certainly continue to write and share with you what I am learning on this next adventure!
(For skeptics who need a bit more convincing--or if you just like good music--the Indigo Girls reinforce the Rebbe in this song.)
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