Lemmings Need Not Apply

!שלום חברים וחברות

Greetings from Jerusalem!  I've now been here a full week and have spent several days happily ensconced, once again, in the Pardes Institute's beit midrash.  Under the guidance of some exceptionally gifted teachers, my classmates and I spend hours each day exploring and discussing Jewish texts.  Here, I want to share with you an understanding I gained from one of my classes today.

First thing every morning, I begin my day of learning in a course on Sefer Shemot, focusing on the Exodus and the actions and choices of various individuals that led up to this climactic event.  Today, my teacher presented us with a source sheet showing us the textual links between the first chapter of Shemot and the story of the Tower of Babel, found in Bereshit.  There are many fascinating linguistic parallels, which I won't go into here (but email me if you're interested, and I'll try to summarize).  However, what most interests me is the common thematic element of the danger of complete conformity.

In the story of Babel, all the people on Earth speak the same language and come together with a common goal of building a city and a tower high into the sky.  Hashem thwarts their plan by scattering the people all over the Earth and giving each group a distinct language so that they can no longer understand each other.  Regarding Hashem's displeasure with the actions of the people, my teacher explained that what Hashem was preventing was the complete loss of individuality among human beings.  When they all came together to build the city and tower, the people sacrificed their individuality and instead became a mass of conformity.  Hashem prevented the people from completely losing their own identities by separating them and creating linguistic barriers among the nations.

Similarly, in the beginning of Sefer Shemot, we see that both the Egyptians and the Jews have become masses of anonymous people.  The Egyptians appear to be blindly following the demands of Pharaoh, while the Jews, according to Seforno, were "teeming like insects"--not as individuals.  Suddenly, out of the masses emerge two individual midwives, Shifra and Puah, who bravely defy Pharoah's wishes by sparing the lives of newborn Hebrew boys.  Additionally, what follows is the birth of Moshe--certainly a key individual in the narrative of the Jewish people!

What both of these stories show, argued my teacher, is that conformity to the point of self-erasure is not what Hashem wants from human beings, nor is it what He hopes for in terms of His relationship with us.  As my teacher succinctly put it, "It's not enough to just join a community anonymously--you need to find your place within the community as an individual."

This immediately struck a chord with me because for years, my entire modus operandi was, "Blend, blend, blend."  Don't stand out, don't be noticed, don't make waves.  Whenever I wanted to join a group, I would first observe the group members and then figure out how I could best merge with them without anyone noticing that I perhaps didn't actually belong there.  I did everything I could to avoid making obvious the ways in which I was different; it's now clear to me that starving my body was one method I used to make my physical presence as unimposing and unnoticeable as possible.  But even in recovery, daring to be an individual is something that has continued to challenge me.  I still wrestle with the fear of disapproval that nonconformity often invites, and although I admire individuality in others, I've always considered it too risky of an enterprise for me, personally.

Until today, it never occurred to me that standing out (a bit) from the crowd might actually be what Hashem wants of me.

Being different is scary.  It's awkward to be the only person dressed up when everyone else has gone casual; it's uncomfortable to be the lone dessert-eater in a room full of dieting women; it's daunting to make a public choice of, "B," when everyone else seems to be choosing, "A."  It's intimidating to speak your mind when you suspect that most people in the room are going to disagree with you, and it can be tough to stand by your values when it seems that the majority doesn't share them.  But as I learned today, it is only by daring to be our authentic, unique selves that we are able to fulfill our potential on this Earth.  It's only when we are willing to be noticed that we might actually make our most significant contribution to our communities and to our people.  

Here in Israel, I have a chance to start practicing being a proud individual within a dynamic community.  I can offer dissenting opinions, ask challenging questions, and tell my own story honestly when invited to do so.  I'm sure it will feel uncomfortable at times, but I'm also excited to see where it might lead.  I wish for each of you the ability to recognize ways in which you are important and beautiful as an individual--and then, to go out and shine your light on the world!