This past week's parasha is one that leads the reader, upon beginning its first chapter, to have a sneaking suspicion that it is not going to end well for Am Yisrael. Indeed, that would be putting it lightly--the well-known episode of the meraglim, or spies, featured in parashat Shelach is one of disastrous consequences for the Jewish people. Here, in a nutshell, is what happens:
As the Jews near Eretz Yisrael, Moshe sends twelve upstanding men to scout out the territory and the people who dwell there. Although Hashem has promised them the land, the Jewish people still need to figure out the most efficient, responsible way to conquer it. So, the spies go into the land for forty days, and when they come back, ten of them report that, yes, the land is as good as promised...however, it is occupied by some rather intimidating, larger-than-life humans who would surely be too strong for the Jews to overpower. Two of the spies, Caleb and Joshua, try to convince the people that they will be victorious...but, to no avail. Before long, those other ten spies instill such uncertainty and fear in the people that they demand a new leader who will replace Moshe and bring them back to Egypt, to the miserable-yet-familiar confines of slavery. Understandably, Hashem is furious that despite all the miracles He has done for the Jews, they still are unconvinced of His protection and power and do not believe that He could bring them into the Promised Land. So, He declares that the Jews will wander in the wilderness for forty years, during which time the entire adult generation will die, leaving only their children to inherit Eretz Yisrael.
When the spies reported their findings to the people, they transitioned from their positive observations to their negative ones through the Hebrew word, efes, which roughly translates as, "however." (Interestingly, in modern Hebrew efes means, "zero," which coincides with how the spies used it to completely negate all the goodness of the land.) Through that word, the spies let their insecurities overtake what should have been their fundamental knowledge that the land would be theirs--it was only a matter of how.
As I read these chapters of Shelach, I remembered a phrase that came up quite a bit in my recovery: "Yeah, but...". I was formally introduced to the concept of the "Yeah Buts" many years ago when I attended a body image workshop led by two of my recovery mentors. They explained that the eating disorder uses "Yeah Buts" to refute the positive messages of our healthy voices. For every encouraging statement, every suggestion toward progress, there was a "Yeah But" to prove that it wouldn't work. (Examples: "I guess I could add Food X to my afternoon snack...yeah, but Food X doesn't taste good at that time of day." "I probably should increase my nutritionist appointments to every week instead of twice a month...yeah, but I don't want to pay all those copays.") The main problem of "Yeah Buts" is that they shut down possibilities and convince us that what we want--what we know we could have--is actually out of our reach.
With that one word, efes, the spies uttered a gigantic, "Yeah, but...".
This past Shabbat I read a weekly Parsha column by Rabbi Dov Linzer, Rosh HaYeshiva and Dean of the Yeshivat Chovevei Rabbinical School in NYC. Rabbi Linzer goes into a detailed analysis of the story of the spies, but he also manages to universalize its lesson as follows:
If one is not a priori committed to an enterprise, if one does not believe that the land is good, then every problem looms large, every challenge becomes an obstacle. However, if there is a fundamental belief in G-d's promise and in the goodness of the land, then whatever the problems and whatever the challenges, they can be met and dealt with--"We shall surely ascend and conquer it, for we can surely do it!" (13:30)
What I take from Rabbi Linzer's message is that when we believe wholeheartedly that a positive outcome is ours for the taking, then we will look at challenges as just parts of the journey--uncomfortable parts, perhaps, but completely surpassable. However, if we enter into a process with a lack of faith at our core, then obstacles become reasons to abandon the entire undertaking. On this blog, I have previously compared recovery to Eretz Yisrael, and I believe the comparison holds true here. Just like the Promised Land, recovery is what we yearn for, what we dream could be ours. If we believe that Hashem has put it within our reach and that if we work hard, we shall surely attain it, then all the bumps in the road to get there become just that--mere bumps in the road. It's when we start to doubt that we could ever truly live in recovery, that we become vulnerable to the "Yeah Buts."
If you find yourself doubting your ability to recover, I hope that you can use the lesson of the spies to remind yourself that the only thing really standing between you and recovery is whether or not you believe you can do it. If you believe recovery will be yours, then you will overcome all the obstacles in your path. As Joshua and Caleb said, "the Land is very, very good!" (14:7) So is recovery--so, don't let any "Yeah Buts" prevent you from having it!
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