Focus on Your Own Tent!

Something I am really trying to work on is my tendency to assess myself against my perception of other people.  I might think that I am doing just fine, until I see someone whom I perceive to be more successful at whatever I'm trying to do, and then--all of a sudden--whatever I'm doing is deficient.  Mind you, nothing will have actually changed about me--it's just that when I compare myself to others, I often judge myself less favorably than I do when I try to evaluate myself independently.  The obvious answer to this problem is, stop comparing myself to other people!  Unfortunately, I've always found this much easier said than done.  It's definitely true that I fall into the comparing trap much less frequently than I used to, but if I'm going to be honest, even in recovery I'm still a competitive woman with a perfectionist streak...so, some comparing seems inevitable.

I started thinking about this in earnest as I read last week's parasha (Balak).  Balak, the Moabite king, hired the gentile prophet, Balaam, to curse the Jewish people.  But, Balaam knew that Hashem favored the Jewish people and that he would be unable to make any prophecies to the contrary.  As he looked out over the people of Israel, Balaam was able to utter only blessings.

"Balaam raised his eyes and saw Israel dwelling according to its tribes, and the spirit of G-d was upon him."  (Numbers 24:2) 

According to Rashi, the phrase, dwelling according to its tribes, refers to the meticulous organization of the Israelite camp.  All the people dwelled in their tribal groups, and they arranged their tents so that no tent's entrance faced that of another tent.  This allowed for a feeling of community while still protecting the privacy and modesty of individual families.  The setup prevented general snooping and intrusions, but it also made it difficult for one person to become fixated on the possessions or private actions of another.  Even thousands of years ago, the Israelites realized how easy it would be to fall into the trap of comparing oneself against another, and they knew they needed to protect their society from the damaging competitiveness that results.  

My tendency to compare and compete with others often played itself out in my eating disorder.  I constantly engaged in thought patterns such as, "How much is that person eating?  I have to eat less," or, "If she's going to the gym, then I need to go, too."  The only way I knew if I'd exercised enough, studied enough, or achieved enough was to measure myself against someone else.  This was to my detriment and often completely irrational--even in the hospital, I would look at other girls on the floor and think, "She has more problems than I do.  Why don't I have more problems?  I'm not sick enough."  Some of the best advice I ever got in intensive treatment was, "Put blinders on and focus on yourself."  The truth is, there is always going to be someone sicker, or smarter, or more talented, or more attractive.  There will always be someone who has more advanced degrees than I do, someone who is more athletic, or someone who is more professionally successful.  So, the choice is mine:  I can measure myself against the yardsticks of those other people, or I can validate all the hard work I've done and all the ways in which I have succeeded.  One of the keys to my recovery has been learning how to acknowledge the ways in which I want to improve, while simultaneously affirming that I am enough, just as I am.  

The ancient Israelites understood the importance of, "focusing on your own tent."  They knew that privacy was important not only because it preserved modesty, but also because it safeguarded the integrity and individuality of everyone involved.  When a person is free to focus on her own tent, she is able to invest her energy into making that tent the best it can be, regardless of what everyone else is doing.  The Israelites recognized that an individual who is firmly grounded in her own strengths is going to be more able to serve the community than one who is not.  My wish for all of us is that while we continue to connect and engage with the people around us, that we also allow ourselves the time and space to focus on our own tents, to make them radiate out the brilliant light that is ours alone.