Birthdays...on the surface, purely delightful; in reality, so much more complicated. I don't know that I've ever had an approach to birthdays that wasn't at least partly tainted with anxiety: I clearly remember crying on my ninth birthday because I WOULD NEVER. BE EIGHT. AGAIN. (Yup...I was that kid.) Fast forward to my twenties, and I still received my birthday with mixed emotions; only then, it was due to the mire of anorexia and depression in which I found myself stuck. Every year, my birthday would roll around and I would feel a deep pull of sadness as my own emotions failed to match those of my family and friends. My parents' excitement was the hardest for me to assimilate: they were celebrating a wonderful child they loved, and I felt like that child didn't really exist. While I was grateful and comforted by their enthusiasm for my life, part of me remained convinced that I didn't deserve it.
Well, yesterday I officially entered my "early thirties"(!), and I approached the day feeling hopeful that maybe this would be the year when I would feel only (or at least mostly) happy on my birthday. After all, I've been through a lot of therapy, and I'm now in solid recovery and have a life that I enjoy and am proud of in many ways. And yet, as the day neared, I felt myself getting on the old, familiar emotional roller-coaster of self-criticsm and guilt. Luckily, I still happened to be working my way through Toward a Meaningful Life: The wisdom of the Rebbe Menachem Mendel Schneerson by Simon Jacobson, and the chapter titled, "Birth," may have saved my relationship with my birthday.
The Rebbe's idea is simple, yet profound: Your birth was the moment in which Hashem knew the world could not continue without you. At the time you were born, Hashem put you on earth for a specific purpose; that moment was the beginning of your mission on earth. Jacobson expresses the Rebbe's philosophy as follows:
"Many people seem to feel that because we didn't choose to enter the world, our birth is a stroke of coincidence or serendipity. This couldn't be further from the truth. Birth is G-d's way of saying that He has invested His will and energy in creating you; G-d feels great joy when you are born, the greatest pleasure imaginable, for the moment of birth realizes His intention in wanting you..."
Wow.
When I actually sat and thought about that--that Hashem put me here on purpose, to bring something to the world that only I could bring; that He created me with love and care and joy--I mean, I actually felt goosebumps. That's not to say that I then rushed out to buy party hats and streamers, but I did spend some time thinking about what Hashem might have had in mind when He created me...when He breathed my soul into my body, what was the hole in the world that He was hoping I would fill? How can I use the many, many gifts with which I've been blessed to not just imagine a better, more sacred world, but actually help create one?
My suspicion is that for many of us in recovery (and for many other people, too), birthdays are a mixed emotional bag. I offer this teaching of the Rebbe's in the hope that if your birthday approaches and you feel there's nothing to celebrate, you remember that even if you don't think you're special, at the moment of your birth G-d felt nothing but joy. He created you filled with purpose and Divine light...and all of it is still inside you, just waiting to be let out.
So, as another year of my life begins, I feel profoundly grateful to all the people whom Hashem has put in my life to help me along my path: my amazingly devoted parents and family; my friends who nourish me with both fun and authentic connection; my students who fill me with passion and purpose; my teachers who believe in the power of my mind and heart...and, this little community here, because through our collective energy we release a little more light into this world. May we all be blessed with such supports and able to use the gifts they give.
Remember:
"Birth is G-d saying you matter." -- The Rebbe
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