It's hard for me to believe, but in a few days I will be saying goodbye to Israel. My program at Pardes has finished and I am now in that nebulous transition phase, trying to be present to enjoy my remaining time here while also preparing for departure. While I'm looking forward to reconnecting with the people and places of home, I also feel like I am leaving home, because that is what Israel has become for me: a home for my soul.
Bidding farewell to such an incredible experience conjures up in me a whole range of feelings: plenty of gratitude and contentment, but also a healthy dose of sadness and longing. If I dig a bit deeper, I bump up against another emotion that is buried way down but also pervades all the others: fear. As I prepare to say goodbye to Israel, I am afraid that I am also saying goodbye to the person I've grown into while I've been here: someone who is an explorer, who can go with the flow, and who connects to others with her heart wide open. I am afraid I will stagnate in my spiritual growth when I can no longer fill my lungs with the air of Eretz Yisrael and my head with the wisdom of my teachers. In many ways, I feel that this summer has given me a taste of my better self. Will I be able to hold onto that when I return to my life in the States?
One of my teachers introduced me to the works of Reb Zadok HaKohen Milublin and shared with me a quote of his that resonates with me strongly as I wrestle with this fear:
"Just as one must believe in G-d, so too must one afterwards believe in him or herself. This is to say that G-d has direct dealings with him/her and he/she is not an insignifcant being who is here at one moment and gone the next..." (Tzidkat Hatzaddik #154)
What I take from this is a reminder that who I am is not wholly dependent on others or my surroundings. I do not need to fear that I will disappear or whither away simply because I leave a nurturing environment. Hashem created me with purpose because I have something to offer the world. He gifted me with the experiences of this summer so that I could grow and have more light to share with others. I used to think I was only in recovery because of the support of my clinical team, that without them I wouldn't be able to hold onto my progress. In truth, my team did help me get to where I am, but I am the one who sustains my recovery. I've internalized their support and now can initiate and maintain progress on my own. I think the same is true of my fears about leaving Israel: other people may have filled me up this summer, but I am the vessel and I do not automatically crumble and lose my contents just because I move away from the source.
So...
...to my teachers, who challenged and enlightened me intellectually and also nurtured and supported me personally, who shared with me the energy and beauty of Talmud Torah and also made me excited about possibilities for my own life...
...to my friends, who reminded me of what it means to be truly seen, who shared their radiance with me and also reflected my own light back onto me with love and caring...
...תודה רבה B'ezrat Hashem we should continue to learn and grow together!
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