This past Shabbat, we also celebrated Rosh Chodesh Elul. Elul is the month preceding the High Holidays and is traditionally a time dedicated to introspection, self-evaluation, and spiritual preparation to get us ready for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. In keeping with this practice, during this month I will aim to center each of my weekly posts around a different theme of Elul and how it relates to recovery.
One traditional Elul practice is to recite Psalm 27 twice a day throughout the month. Below is a translation of this psalm:
The Lord is my light and my help; whom should I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life, whom should I dread?
When evil men assail me to devour my flesh it is they, my foes and my enemies, who stumble and fall.
Should an army besiege me, my heart would have no fear; should war beset me, still would I be confident.
One thing I ask of the Lord, only that do I seek: to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord, to frequent His temple.
He will shelter me in His pavilion on an evil day, grant me the protection of His tent, raise me high upon a rock.
Now is my head high over my enemies roundabout; I sacrifice in His tent with shouts of joy, singing and chanting a hymn to the Lord.
Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud; have mercy on me, answer me. In Your behalf my heart says: "Seek My face!"
O Lord, I seek Your face.
Do not hide from me; do not thrust aside Your servant in anger; You have ever been my help.
Do not forsake me, do not abandon me, O G-d, my deliverer.
Though my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will take me in.
Show me Your way, O Lord, and lead me on a level path because of my watchful foes.
Do not subject me to the will of my foes, for false witnesses and unjust accusers have appeared against me.
Had I not the assurance that I would enjoy the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living...
Look to the Lord; be strong and of good courage!
O look to the Lord!
When I read the first half of the psalm, I am struck by the strong faith of the speaker and the confidence that no matter what obstacles rise up, Hashem will offer protection and safety. The psalmist recognizes that to have such unshakable faith is to know security, peace, and the joy of victory. This reminds me of the mindset that we often need to spur us into recovery. Because giving up the eating disorder essentially requires a huge leap of faith, we need to feel confident that Hashem is looking out for us and will help us along the journey. When we feel this way, we often feel empowered, motivated, and confident that we can do the hard work recovery demands--this is what propels our momentum and inspires us to take risks and grow. I know that when I have an experience that shows me how far I have come in recovery, I enjoy a delicious sense of accomplishment and power as well as deep gratitude to Hashem for getting me to that point.
The second half of the psalm, however, carries a decidedly different tune. All of a sudden, the psalmist speaks of fear, of doubt, of loneliness. He begs Hashem not to abandon him in his time of danger and need, and implores G-d to show him the path to a righteous and holy life. In my mind, this conjures up times when my resolve has weakened, when I've had setbacks, or when the challenges of living a healthy life seemed far, far too demanding--in short, every time I've ever doubted my ability to "make it" in recovery. The psalmist expresses the intense fear and anguish that can arise at such a time--it's enough to make a person doubt whether he or she has the strength to keep going. When we are in such a state of despair, remembering that Hashem's love for us is everlasting can give us the courage to keep engaging with life. The psalmist recognizes an essential truth: Hashem never gives up on us and never stops wanting us to connect with Him. In fact, G-d begs us to seek Him out. And so, even when his faith is weakened, the psalmist hangs onto his determination to feel Hashem's love...and through this, he finds renewed courage.
Psalm 27 is about oneness--unity between the individual and Hashem, and also the joining inside ourselves of our faith and our insecurities. Elul is a time to bring ourselves closer to G-d, and is also a time to evaluate that relationship...and, like any relationship, our connection with Hashem sometimes feels strong and other times feels hazy. But, what I take from this psalm is that this is normal--holding the positive with the negative is part of how life works. Recovery is not a linear path into sunshine and roses; it is full of the ups and downs of real life in this world. We need to be able to use the strength that we gather in times of security to help us sit with the uncertainties that are also bound to arise--because we know that if we gather our faith and hang on, we will feel safe and strong once again.
So, as we begin our journey through Elul, I wish for you that you do as the psalmist instructs: Look to Hashem, and be brave! You can do it!
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