Circumcise...the Heart?

This past Shabbat was my first back at home after a summer in Jerusalem, and I was a little worried that it wouldn't feel as holy and nourishing as Shabbat always does in Israel.  It was a bit of an adjustment, but turned out to be pretty enjoyable thanks to some great company and yummy food...and some thought-provoking Torah.

In last week's parsha (Eikev), Moshe speaks to the Israelites and basically outlines for them all the ways in which they had been stubborn and difficult, and reminds them of all the ways in which Hashem took care of them in spite of their obstinacy.  He emphasizes that Hashem chose the Israelites from among all the nations because of His tremendous love for them.  Moshe then implores the people to, "Cut away, therefore, the thickening about your hearts and stiffen your necks no more." (Devarim 10:16).  Literally translated, Moshe is asking the people to "circumcise the foreskin of your heart."  This is some dramatic language and certainly conjures up some strong mental images...but what does it mean?

The "foreskin of your heart" is often interpreted as that which blocks the heart from being open to Hashem's teachings.  Circumcising the heart, therefore, implies making oneself open and available to receive the Divine.  Moshe recognizes that the Jewish people's stubbornness has prevented them from truly being able to access Hashem's love for them, and he is instructing them to let down their defenses so that they might be able to open their minds.

This idea really resonates with me when I think about the process of recovery.  For a long time in my own journey, I had a bit of a control issue--namely, I liked to be in control of everything, at all times.  I was also fiercely self-protective and terrified that if I let my guard down at all, I would be endangered or harmed.  Combine the need for control with the mission to never be hurt, and you get a maddening, defensive stubbornness, which is exactly what I extended to anyone who tried to get me to loosen my grip on my eating disorder. It wasn't until I was ready to open my tightly clenched fists to the fresh air of flexible thinking that I really began to make some progress on recovery.

I think that the first step is to recognize that the "foreskin of our hearts" is there in the first place, to acknowledge that we are resisting change and avoiding vulnerability...and this isn't necessarily bad, but it does prevent growth. Once we are able to admit to our stubbornness, we can then begin to think of ways to chip away at it, little by little.  As someone who clings firmly to the safety of the status quo, I fully recognize how scary it can be to open oneself up to the world.  However, I also know that when I am willing to try new experiences or make myself vulnerable to another individual, I am rarely disappointed--in fact, I usually come away feeling as though my world has been made brighter because of what I was willing to let in.

During our weekly parsha discussion, my chevruta pointed out to me that there is a parallel pasuk in parshat Nitzavim, in which Moshe promises that if the Israelites follow Hashem's commandments with all their being, "Then the Lord G-d will circumcise your heart and the hearts of your offspring to love the Lord your G-d with all your heart and soul, in order that you may live." (Devarim 30:6)  In Eikev, Moshe instructs the Jewish people to circumcise their own hearts, but in Nitzavim he tells them that Hashem will open up their hearts for them. The way I understand this is, first we have to remove the barriers from our own hearts--and then, Hashem will open us up to His love.  In other words, if we're willing to get the process started, Hashem will take us the whole way.

To those of you who sense that your hearts are a bit closed off, I would say this:  remember that you're not being difficult for difficulty's sake--chances are, you're doing the best you can to protect yourself.  But, remember also that the eating disorder is a covering around the heart--not the heart itself.  It isn't what you are, it's what's preventing you from being fully yourself.  There's no need to rip the covering off all at once--yikes!--but maybe there's a way to get the process started, a step you could take to give yourself a taste of what your life could be like without that barrier.  I bet it could be brilliant!