Life in your Life

I'll admit it:  I was one of those people grumbling about how early Pesach preparations started this year.  Since when do supermarkets start selling matzah two weeks before Purim?!  But, with only two weeks to go until Seder #1, it seems I can't avoid it any longer.  Pesach is quickly approaching, bringing with it The Big Clean, hours-long seders, and very, very flat sandwiches.

And, thoughts of freedom.

Last year at around this time, I wrote about the challenges of freedom--how living in recovery often means having more adult responsibilities and engaging head-on with the ups and downs of life.  This year, I'd like to dig a little deeper into what "freedom" really means, with the help of the always inspiring Adin Steinsaltz.

In an article titled, "To Be Free," Steinsaltz explains that slavery is not merely the absence of freedom, and freedom is not only the absence of slavery.  They each must have a definition independent of the other.  He defines slavery as the condition of being completely controlled by the will of another, while freedom is the ability to act upon one's own will.

"The individual who lacks a will of his own does not become free once he is unshackled:  he is simply a slave without a master…Between ceasing to be a slave and acquiring freedom, the individual must thus pass through an intermediate stage in his progress, without which he cannot become truly free--he must develop inner qualities of his own.  The miracle of the Exodus was not completed with the people's departure from the house of bondage; they needed to develop to become a truly free people and not merely runaway slaves."

Steinsaltz goes on to assert that a developed sense of self (or peoplehood) is essential for an individual or collective group to be free:

"In other words, the slave is doubly bound, first of all by his subjugation to another's will, and secondly by his lack of a will and personality of his own.  A person who retains his own essential character can never be completely enslaved; and, conversely, a person who has no independent self-image can never be truly free."

I find this concept of freedom to be particularly pertinent to a discussion of recovery.  What makes "slavery" to an eating disorder so debilitating isn't only the sensation of living under the thumb of a relentless task master; it's also the absence of any meaningful, independent sense of self.  In order for recovery (freedom) to really take hold, a person needs not only to let go of the eating disorder, but also to develop a full and satisfying identity apart from the illness.

Early in my recovery, an important mentor of mine used to coach me to develop "life in my life," by which she meant, "Find some interests!  Fill your life with something!  Learn who you are!"  Though this was sometimes daunting, it was also among some of the best advice I ever received.  After all, I had developed my eating disorder, at least in part, to fill a void and meet an unsatisfied need.  Why would I ever give that up, in favor of nothing?  Merely living without anorexia left me feeling vulnerable and empty.  I needed to actively replace the eating disorder with the ideas, desires, and passions that made me, me.

At least in the beginning, recovery often feels like a full-time job.  There are so many appointments to go to, it's tough to have any leftover time or energy to devote to outside interests.  But, I would argue that figuring out what you actually like doing with your time is just as important as keeping up with all your therapy sessions.  "Recovery" doesn't just mean, "not having an eating disorder."  It means having healthy interests, relationships, and activities--a life that is full of life.

As we gear up for Pesach 5774, I wish each of us the strength to not only step away from what enslaves us, but also to step toward who we truly are as individuals.  Escape bondage, and pursue freedom.  Put some life in your life!