Hod

This is the week of hod--humility--the counterpart of netzach (victory).  I'll admit that I've been having a little trouble solidifying my thoughts on humility, because I think it can be a tricky concept for people in recovery.  For those of us who struggle with "black-and-white thinking," it's easy to get on the humility train and ride it straight into relentless self-criticism and self-loathing.  It's true that part of humility is acknowledging our own shortcomings and our "smallness."  But, how can we do this while also remaining self-affirming?

In reading about hod, I found an article containing a quote that resonates with me strongly:

A full cup cannot be filled.  When you're filled with yourself and your needs, "I and nothing else," there is no room for more.  When you "empty" yourself before something greater than yourself, your capacity to receive increases beyond your previously perceived limits.   

For years, my cup was painfully empty and I relied on my eating disorder to give me an illusion of fullness.  So effective was anorexia at convincing me that my cup was full, that I shut out people and experiences that really could have enriched my life.  I had no room for relationships with people--my relationship with food was all I needed.  Going into intensive treatment required me to acknowledge the many ways in which my eating disorder had brought me to my knees.  When I was ready to recognize how empty my cup actually was, I made room for the possibility of filling it with things that would add tremendous value to my life.  By admitting how much help I needed, I opened the door for deep connection and profound learning. In recovery, I have found that people are more capable of satisfying my relational needs than I previously thought they would be.  What's more, I've found that I'm much more able to receive--and reciprocate--the love that others have to offer.   

When I think of hod, another story that keeps coming to my mind is one of my favorite Hasidic oral teachings:

A person should always have two pockets, with a note in each pocket.  On one note should be written, "For my sake was the world created."  On the other should be written, "I am but dust and ashes."

To me, this means that we each need a healthy dose of humility in our lives.  It is okay to recognize areas in which we want to improve and things we need to work on.  This is what keeps us growing and evolving.  Sometimes, it is important to acknowledge that we are really small in the grand scheme of things, and that we are part of a system that is much larger than ourselves.  But, we also need to remember that although we are small, we are significant.  Everything we are, we are because this is how Hashem wants us to be--all of our strengths, He gave us so that we could use them for the greater good. Humility is what allows us to say, "Wow--I am just one small person in this awesome universe.  But even though I am tiny, I have powers that Hashem has given me so that I might contribute to this world in a positive way."

In this week dedicated to hod, I encourage us all to do the following two things:

1) Think about the ways in which your cup is not full.  How can you open yourself to people and experiences that might enrich your life and your journey?

2) Acknowledge that you are just one life in a universe filled with Hashem's creations.  Take a moment to appreciate what it means to be one small part of a much larger system.  Then, consider your personal strengths and recognize that each one was a gift from Hashem, just for you.  How might you use your power to get the most out of this world?  How can you use it to give the most back?