Monday, April 23, 2012

Tiferet

Welcome to Week 3 of the Omer!  This week is dedicated to refining the sefira of tiferet, which translates as "compassion."  I find it a bit ironic that I am sitting here, writing about compassion...for years, whenever anyone even so much as suggested that I try practicing compassion for myself, I would cringe and roll my eyeballs in disgust.  A huge piece of recovery for me has been learning that compassion is not, in fact, a dirty word...and the Kabbalistic concept of tiferet exemplifies the best of what I believe compassion has to offer.

Tiferet sits in the Central Column of the sefirot, with chesed (loving-kindness) to its right and gevurah (boundaries, or restraint) on its left.  The word, tiferet, comes from the Hebrew word for beauty.  Why does beauty reside in the middle between loving-kindness and boundaries?  Because, true beauty emerges from genuine harmony between tenderness and strength.  Why is tiferet also commonly understood as "compassion"?  Because, it represents the perfect balance between kindness and restraint.  Too much hardness yields negativity, but too much softness is also not positive.  Compassion comes from being able to look a situation or person through both lenses and find a point of connection in between. 

I may be a former compassion skeptic, but this concept resonates with me deeply.  Recovery requires a constant balance between gentleness and toughness.  Let's take the example of behavioral "slips" back into eating disorder behaviors.  Anyone who has worked on recovery has probably experienced a slip or two (or many!) in his or her process...it is usually part of the territory.  The question then becomes, how do we hold that?  Do we comfort ourselves by saying, "Oh, everyone knows slips happen, it's no big deal, don't worry about it" (the "kindness" approach)?  Or, do we berate ourselves with, "How could I let this happen?!  I am such a recovery failure, I will never get better" (the "harshness" approach)?  I would argue, neither is particularly effective.  What I would encourage us all to do is to take the tiferet approach...to acknowledge and validate the pain of whatever uncomfortable feeling or situation led us to engage in behaviors, while simultaneously giving ourselves the needed "kick in the pants" to get back on track.  In other words, "Yes, I was feeling anxious/sad/whatever for a totally valid reason and I did this eating disorder behavior...and now I will go do this specific recovery behavior to get back in the groove." 

It is compassionate to comfort ourselves but also to not allow ourselves to self-destruct.  In order to keep this balance, we need both chesed and gevurah to be in harmony.  Hashem shows us His loving-kindness every day, but He also sets limits with us and does not grant our every wish.  This is how He shows us the most compassion--by loving us completely, but also setting the boundaries that are in our best interests.  This week, I wish for us the ability to emulate Hashem by channeling our energy of tiferet--by showing ourselves (and others) compassion that is both tender and firm.

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