One of my "projects" during the past year has been integrating more daily prayer into my life. I find that taking time to "talk" to Hashem when I begin and end my day helps me to feel more grounded and centered...and, not surprisingly, I love the structure of the ritual. I've been fortunate to have the guidance of some gifted rabbis, and of some friends who have doubled as passionate teachers. I'll be truthful and admit that not EVERY prayer resonates with me. But, there are a few to which I feel deeply connected, and I would like to focus this post on one of them: Ana B'koach.
Ana B'koach is one of my favorite parts of the Kabbalat Shabbat liturgy. I'm aware that it is loaded with deep kabbalistic meaning, but that's not why I love it (I don't really "get" kabbalah, to be honest). No, the main reason why I'm drawn to this prayer is its beginning:
Ana b'koach gedulat yemincha, tatir tzerurah.
I've heard this translated several ways, but my favorite is: We beg You, with the strength of Your right hand, untie our tangles. I just LOVE that image. There have been many times in my life, particularly in my recovery journey, when I have felt that my soul is all tied up in knots. When I was in treatment, a therapist asked me to draw how I envisioned myself and my eating disorder. I remember drawing a little red stick figure surrounded by a tangled mess of black scribbles. In recovery, I have found freedom from that hopelessness. However, there are still times when I feel bound up by life, pulled in different directions and unsure how to unwind. In those moments, I yearn for Hashem to reach down and gently help me untie myself.
The other theme of this prayer that resonates with me is that Hashem treats gently and mercifully those who acknowledge His "oneness." Part of my work in recovery has been realizing that, ultimately, life is in Hashem's control--not in mine. It has been a tough concept to accept, because if there's one thing I love, it's being in control. That's a big part of what my eating disorder was all about: micromanaging my surroundings, my intake, and my body in an effort to avoid all discomfort. In recovery, I'm having to realize that I'm just not as powerful as I might sometimes wish I was. I can take initiative, I can put my best effort into things, and I can make educated choices...but the truth is that I do not see the whole picture, and I might not know what ultimately is best for me. The only one who sees how all the pieces fit together is Hashem, and I have to trust that all the experiences He brings me are going to lead me to positive growth. When I internalize this belief, I open myself to Hashem's love and mercy.
When I say Ana B'koach, I close my eyes and turn my focus inward to a conversation that is between just Hashem and me. As my mouth recites the traditional Hebrew, here is what my soul is saying:
Please, Hashem, help me untangle myself. As I try to live my life in a way that makes You proud of me, please protect me and bless me. Guide me to bring goodness to my community and light to the people whose lives I touch. Help me to keep my eye on the ball and to see my way out of confusion. Please, Hashem, know that I am trying. Show me what is right for me to do.
Recently, I came across this version of Ana B'koach sung by a choir from a girls' school in Israel. I can't get enough of it...I find it absolutely beautiful and want to share it with you!
My wish for us all is that we continue to merit Hashem's help in untangling ourselves from the knots in which we find ourselves.
I really appreciate how you bring us into your inner realm of prayer. I find it interesting that so often my physical sensation of entanglement finds itself in my stomach. My eating is, at times, affected by my emotional and spiritual tangles, and when I ask Hashem to untie these tangles, my whole body has permission relax. I can allow this relaxation to nourish me physically as well. Your post helped me articulate this idea to myself in a clearer way, grounded in liturgy that has deep meaning for me. And thank you for sharing the beautiful music with us!
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