Spring Cleaning!

Although it's a small space, I'm always grateful to live in a studio apartment when the time comes to clean it. Now, I love for things to be clean and as germ-free as I can get them. I just am not wild about the actual process of cleaning, and the scrubbing and dusting tends to get old pretty quickly. Luckily, my living space consists of only three rooms...but even so, I take a lot of shortcuts: cleaning around things instead of under them; making neat piles instead of actually finding homes for everything, etc. This works relatively well most of the time, with one big exception: Pesach.

The pre-Pesach clean is no ordinary task. On Pesach we are forbidden not only to eat chametz, but also to have it anywhere in our possession. As a result, Jews all over the world engage in a thorough cleaning of their homes in the days leading up to Pesach, scouring every surface and searching every crevice for any sign of chametz. We have to get rid of all of it--not one crumb of edible chametz can remain behind. Clearly, this process is an intensive undertaking.

The annual Pesach cleaning reminds me a lot of the work that a real commitment to recovery requires. On Pesach, it is not acceptable to allow traces of chametz to remain in your home. The presence of even a tiny amount creates a halachic problem and prevents you from fulfilling the mitzvah of getting rid of chametz. Similarly, being fully on board with recovery requires a person to eradicate all traces of the eating disorder. As long as someone knowingly hangs onto small behaviors or thought patterns, he or she cannot fully participate in recovery. I definitely have found this to be true. There were plenty of times when I said I was committed to getting rid of my eating disorder, but I kept a little ritual or restrictive habit here and there in the hope that it wouldn't really matter, that I could enjoy recovery without having to get rid of everything. I have never found that to actually work. The only way I've been able to be wholly committed to recovery--and to fully experience it--is to actively search out the remnants of my eating disorder and tackle each one until I am ready to let go of it. There have been no shortcuts to this "soul cleaning"...leaving even a trace of the eating disorder behind would make all my efforts incomplete.

The Sages instructed us to physically destroy all of our chametz before Pesach because they knew that if we allowed it to remain in our possession, we might end up consuming it...or, we would just think about consuming it all the time! I've found this to be true in recovery, as well: getting rid of the concrete remains of the eating disorder (not just the emotional ones) is often a valuable and cathartic experience. At various points in my journey, I gave away my "sick" clothes, threw out diet food, ditched the bathroom scale, and recycled so-called "health" magazines, because I knew that hanging onto any of those things was going to keep me from fully living in recovery. Physically ridding my environment of those eating disorder symbols was hugely significant...and, let's be honest, it felt glorioiusly empowering! I would encourage anyone in the process of fighting an eating disorder to consider doing the same.

This year, as I prepare to tackle the Pesach cleaning, I am reminded of the importance of looking inward to see what internal "chametz" I need to get rid of. Are there any thought patterns, habits, or belief systems that are keeping me stuck in an uncomfortable space? Are there things I am hanging onto simply because they are familiar, even if they have outlived their usefulness? Now is the time to get rid of them. I hope we can all take this opportunity to clean not only our homes, but also our selves, so that we may enter into Pesach with our hearts and minds pure and shining.