Sing it!

If you've never experienced the process of "shul shopping," let me tell you, it's not easy! Even in the neighborhood where I live, where there are probably at least 12 synagogues within a 3-mile radius of my apartment, it was no small feat to find one that felt like a good fit. I had a lot of criteria: Hebrew, but enough English so I could follow; traditional, but open-minded; authentic, but accessible. After several internet searches and one rather humorous visit to a synagogue that was decidedly NOT a good fit (another story for another time), I found myself skeptically giving one last shul a try. It was a Friday night, and in this congregation's siddur, they include contemporary readings to go along with each traditional psalm of the Kabbalat Shabbat service. I turned a page, and came face to face with this reading, accompanying Psalm 98:

To sing a new song,
I must sing with a new voice.
I must let go the known
and embrace the unknown,
for the new is always a surprise.
To sing a new song,
I must open myself to wonder.
I must embrace the fullness
of mind and body.
I must wash myself
in the totality of Life,
its births and its deaths,
its risings and its passings.
I must let go the boxes into which
I stuff the stuff of life
and allow what Is to speak its truth.
And then I shall take that truth
and sing it aloud.
With lyre and with drum,
with voice and with silence,
I will sing a song that
surprises even G-d.
And in that surprise will be
a great deliverance.

With that one reading, I knew I was home.

To me, that passage speaks so strongly of the work that is involved in recovery. It acknowledges the challenges--letting go what is known in favor of the unknown, and opening myself to all of life's experiences, both the pleasant and the unpleasant. At the same time, it articulates the hope--that what what bursts forth from my recovered soul will be a song so brilliant, so powerful, that even Hashem will marvel at its beauty.

Three years later, I still attend that shul. Undoubtedly, I am in a very different place in my recovery now, than I was then. However, this reading still speaks to my core, and every Friday night I am comforted and grounded by its honest message: if we want to sing a different tune, we have to be willing to live a different way...and the reward is better than anything that can be imagined. In my own journey, I have found this to be true...and so I want to share it with you, in the hope that you find the courage to sing the song you didn't know you could!