Recently, I was doing a little pre-Chanukah reading, and I came across the old machloket (disagreement) between Hillel and Shammai regarding how to light the menorah. According to the House of Shammai, one should light all eight candles on the first night and decrease by one each night thereafter. The House of Hillel, on the other hand, rules that one should light just one candle on the first night, and increase by one each night that follows (halacha follows Hillel's ruling). There are a couple of explanations for their positions: one suggests that Shammai lights for the days still to come, while Hillel lights for the days that are gone. Another explanation is that Shammai lights in accordance with the bulls offered on the altar for Sukkot, while Hillel asserts that we ascend--not descend--in matters of holiness. It's an interesting debate, and as I was learning about it I came across an article by Menachem Feldman of the Chabad in Greenwich, CT, in which he draws a parallel between the different philosophies around lighting the menorah, and different ways to enact change in one's life.
By starting out with a full menorah, Shammai is saying that one has to combat the darkness with all of one's strength, right out of the gate. If we go at it a bit at a time, our efforts will fail to take hold--positive change requires our complete commitment and 100% effort right from the beginning. The good news is that every day thereafter becomes a little bit easier; since we've weakened the darkness so dramatically on the first night, on each night that follows we need a little less energy to fight it.
Hillel, on the other hand, is saying that this isn't a realistic strategy. Now that there's no more Temple and we're in exile, it's hard to muster up the energy and bravery needed to just plunge right in with everything we've got. We need a new approach, and that approach is: little by little. By building on positive change one step at a time, our efforts accumulate until we are at our full strength. To start, all we need is one candle. But by the end, all of our light will be burning.
Recovering from an eating disorder requires a lot of positive change, both behaviorally and mentally. The truth is that there is room for the approaches of both Shammai and Hillel--sometimes it works to commit 100% right from the start; other times it makes more sense to gradually build up to change. Personally, I found that being in intensive treatment was very "Shammai-esque": a lot of change all at once, because ripping off the proverbial bandaid is sometimes easier than peeling it off a tiny bit at a time. But when I was at the liberty to go at my own pace, I was always someone who enacted changes very, very slowly. Like, I didn't just stop measuring all my food cold-turkey--I stopped measuring one food at a time. As you can imagine, it took months to phase out measuring, but I did it. And, in the end, I suppose it doesn't matter how I got there, just that I arrived.
When we're going through recovery, we need to be aware of whether we lean more toward Shammai's or Hillel's style of change and respect our own preferences, but we also need to acknowledge that there is a time and a place for both. Sometimes, we just need to dive in and take that leap of faith. Other times, we might choose to do it more gradually. What I think is so cool about the Hillel-Shammai debate is that even though we have ruled in favor of Hillel, Jewish tradition has preserved Shammai's argument because it is still valuable, even if we don't follow it. There is much to learn from both approaches, so we need to keep them both in our consciousness. So, as you gather the strength to combat your personal darkness, I wish you the wisdom to know which approach will work for you, and to go with it--knowing that either way, in the end, the darkness will surely give way to light.
!חנוכה שמח
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