The Self-Love Conundrum

As the name suggests, this week's parasha, Kedoshim, is full of mitzvot intended to elevate the Jewish people toward holiness.  Included are many prohibitions that make inherent sense ("You shall not steal," "You shall not place a stumbling block before the blind," etc) and some that don't (shaatnez, anyone?).  But there is also that most famous of mitzvot, the one that is so important that Hillel felt it encapsulates the entire Torah:  "You shall love your fellow as yourself." (Vayikra 19:18)

This commandment may be fundamental, but it does beg the question:  what if you don't love yourself?

For anyone who has ever struggled with low self-esteem or self-worth, the obstacle before this mitzvah is obvious.  It sounds so basic, but the truth is that self-love can be elusive…and if you don't love yourself, can you really feel love toward another person?

Let's examine what it really means to love someone.  In an article based on the teachings of the Lubavitcher Rebbe, Yanki Tauber asserts that there are two components of love:  respect and care.  When we love a person, we must respect that person for who he or she is, and at the same time we need to care for that person and want the best for him or her.  This requires an honest assessment of the person:  what does he need?  What is she lacking?  Then, love means helping that person overcome his or her shortcomings and become his or her best self.

What I find most powerful about this is the understanding that "love" requires honest critique and  acknowledgement of faults.  It does not mean that we have to think the other person is perfect, just as she is.  The same is true with self-love.  If I love myself, that doesn't mean I have to think I have no weaknesses or deficits.  It means I have to respect myself where I am at, acknowledge the struggles, and care for myself by helping myself overcome them.  That is how we should love ourselves, and that is how we should love others.

In her article called, "Why Hasn't the Self-Esteem Movement Given Us Self-Esteem?" Chana Weisberg reinforces the importance of remembering that Hashem, Who is the source of all goodness, created each individual person on earth--including you.  This means that each person, including you, has goodness at his or her core.  Whether or not you choose to acknowledge or act on your goodness, the goodness remains and is independent of your achievements, skills, or how others think about you.  You are good, simply because you are.  That doesn't mean that everything you do is good.  But it does mean that at your core is a spark of holiness that can never be erased.  If you can acknowledge that spark within yourself, it opens the door for you to see it in others, too.

In my journey toward self-love, I have often turned to the work of "vulnerability and shame researcher" Brené Brown (not Jewish, but definitely relevant!).  One of my favorite quotes of hers is:

"You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging."

It's all true.  I am imperfect, and yet at the same time I am worthy of love, from others and from myself. I think this is the kind of love mentioned in this week's parasha:  love that acknowledges faults and reaches beyond them to the fundamental goodness in every person.  May we experience that love for ourselves, and also extend it to others.

Shabbat shalom!