Slow and Steady...

I'm not usually one to get super wrapped up in dates, anniversaries, and the like, but tomorrow might be an exception:  January 13, 2014 will be the tenth anniversary of my discharge from residential treatment--my first-ever treatment for my eating disorder.

In my last post I talked about the nonlinear nature of recovery, and I think my own journey is a prime example of that.  After that initial round of treatment, it certainly was not a "straight shot" to recovery for me.  If I needed to pick a word to describe my recovery process, I think it might be, "slow."  Not in a negative, "OMG WHAT IS TAKING YOU SO LONG?!" kind of way (although there certainly were moments of that), but in a, "deliberate, tentative," kind of way.  Any advancement was preceded by lots of serious thought, risk assessment, and just general getting used to the idea.  Whenever I tried to take on too much, I usually panicked and lost some ground.  In the end, the only way for me was the slow way.  Little by little.

Of course, Jewish tradition has a thing or two to say about this.

In last week's parasha (Beshalach), the Exodus reached a climax with the splitting of the Sea of Reeds. The Children of Israel crossed over on dry land, while their Egyptian pursuers perished when the walls of water came crashing back down.  In that moment by the Sea, the Jewish people acknowledged the tremendous miracle they had just witnessed and their faith in Hashem was unparalleled.  However, despite the magnitude of everything that had just transpired, the Jews did not proceed on a linear path to faithful devotion to Hashem.  Why?  Perhaps they had taken on too much, too soon.

The Midrash (Mechilta) teaches that before the Splitting of the Sea, the Jewish people practiced idolatry, just as their Egyptian neighbors did.  Idolatry, as we know, is one of the most serious transgressions in Judaism...so, if the Jews were steeped in idol worship, they must have been on a pretty low spiritual level.  But, then they quickly transitioned to being the recipients of Divine salvation, witnesses to a vision of Hashem that was so great, it surpassed even that of the prophet Ezekiel (and that was a pretty intense vision).  So then what happened?  Did the Jews manage to hang on to this highest level of spirituality?  No, they did not.  In fact, it was only shortly thereafter that the Israelites began to question whether or not Hashem was truly with them--and this weakening of faith made them vulnerable to an attack by Amalek.   Clearly, going from zero to sixty was not a sustainable path of progress.

In this week's parasha (Yitro), the Jewish people receive the Ten Commandments from Hashem at Sinai.  The fact that there are TEN Commandments stated individually, and not just one huge one, suggests that growth is meant to be a step-by-step process.  Instead of taking on everything at once, we are meant to focus on just one Mitzvah at a time, ascending the spiritual ladder in a slow, gradual way.  If we try to jump from the ground to the top rung of a ladder in one leap, we will almost certainly fall.  But, if we take things one rung at a time--in Torah, and in life in general--we can make it to the top safely.

So, as I reflect on the "slow and steady" journey of my last ten years, I'm comforted to know that this gradual method of ascent has proven throughout our history to be the surest way to go.  To everyone who is anywhere at all along his or her personal recovery path--take it as slow as you need.  There's no point in rushing.  You'll get there!  May we all have the courage to proceed, little by little.