On the Battlefield

And...we're back.  Sincere apologies for my lack of posts for the past few weeks.  It's easy to explain, really--within one week, all of the following things occurred:  I moved to a new apartment, the new school year began, and the chaggim started.  I'm sure you can imagine the scene as I tried to prepare for all of those activities; needless to say, that great blog post I was envisioning about the shofar never materialized in time for Rosh Hashana.  Maybe next year...

But, never fear.  I'm back, albeit still a bit frazzled, and I happen to be reading a thought-provoking book called, Return:  Daily Inspiration for the Days of Awe by Erica Brown.  Yesterday's topic was "discipline" and brought with it this corresponding quote from the liturgy:  "For the sin we have committed before You by eating and drinking."  I'll admit that I had a teensy whisper of the thought, "What does SHE think she's going to tell ME about discipline, eating, and drinking?!"  But, I was also curious, and I proceeded (warily) to read that day's installment...and I'm grateful that I did, because she actually presents a rather intriguing concept that I want to share here.

In her discussion of willpower and what happens for us internally when we have to make choices between positive and negative forces, Erica Brown integrates the work of Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler, who coined the phrase, "bechira point."  In Hebrew, bechira means "choice," and Rabbi Dessler explains a person's bechira point as the point at which an individual feels genuinely torn between two opposing choices, one positive and one negative.  He compares the bechira point to a battlefield:

"When two armies are locked in battle, fighting takes place only at the battlefront.  Territory behind the lines of one army is under that army's control and little or no resistance need be expected there.  A similar situation prevails in respect of territory behind the lines of the other army.  If one side gains a victory at the front and pushes the enemy back, the position of the battlefront will have changed.  In fact, therefore, fighting takes place only at one location."

Rabbi Dessler explains that the bechira point is only activated when one faces a decision that actually is a struggle.  For example, someone who is raised to eat only kosher food will not struggle internally with whether or not to eat a ham sandwich.  However, someone who ate ham sandwiches for lunch every day of his childhood and begins keeping kosher as an adult might very well feel conflicted over whether or not to give up that favorite food.  Rabbi Dessler articulates that the goal is for a person "not to remain in that confused state in which 'truth' and 'falsehood' seem equally valid alternatives.' "  If we exercise our willpower enough times in favor of a positive choice, we will then feel compelled to make that good decision because we will have integrated it into our way of life.  Rabbi Dessler calls this stage, "compulsion," and when we reach it, we've changed the battlefield.

I really love this "battlefield" image, partly because it conjures up memories of playing "Human Stratego" at overnight camp, but mostly because it is such an apt metaphor for recovery.  At every stage in the process, there are battles we fight between our inner strength and our eating disorder.  Whatever issue we're tackling at any given moment, that's our bechira point--and once that obstacle is mastered, we shift our battlefield to take on the next challenge.  This might seem discouraging because it implies a continuous fight--and, isn't "recovery" supposed to mean that the battle is over?  I would argue that "recovery" doesn't imply a complete lack of struggle; it just means that our choices evolve, becoming more nuanced and less stark.  For example, when I first began teaching many years ago, I would eat a small breakfast and then work the entire 7 hour day before allowing myself to have another meal; I was so paralyzed by the idea of eating lunch with other people.  At this point, I've been eating lunch with my colleagues for several years and it would honestly never occur to me to force myself to go an entire workday without eating; that is no longer where my battlefield lies.  However, I do sometimes struggle with whether or not to allow myself to relax when I get home from work, instead of pushing myself to do errands and "be productive."  There's still a battlefield, but the nature of the conflict has shifted considerably and I no longer feel held hostage by the choices I need to make.

Rabbi Dessler also speaks of the highest level on the battlefield, higher even than compulsion.  He explains that compulsion still requires an active choice, even if it IS a positive one.  The true aim is to be so committed to a healthy, virtuous way of life that we do good purely for its own sake--it's just natural.  This point is what Rabbi Dessler calls, "love."  Erica Brown explains,

"For those who are able with constancy and regularity to conquer the forces working against them through active choice, freedom [to choose the positive or negative] turns into compulsion.  That compulsion turns into love."  

Recovery involves all three stages, and we may experience more than one at a time as we tackle different issues.  But the truth is, all of these battles can be won.  We can use discipline and willpower to train ourselves to make supportive choices...and then, we get to experience the ultimate victory of not needing to make those "choices" at all, because doing what is right and healthy comes naturally with love.  Believe me:  it happens.  It might happen slowly or unevenly, but it does happen.  Going into 5774, I wish for us all a year filled with a little less battlefield and a lot more love.