For many months, I've had the beginnings of this blog post brewing in my mind, and this week's parshiot of Acharei Mot-Kedoshim provide me with the perfect jumping-off point. But then, Monday happened, and my city of Boston was irrevocably altered by tragedy. In the wake of that, writing about anything else seemed a bit superfluous. To be honest, it still does, in a way...but since many others (such as this guy) have already written far more eloquent, poignant pieces about Monday's events than I ever could, I suppose I'll just get back to what I can write about...which brings me to this week's Torah portion and the always relevant, ever controversial topic of sex.
I must begin by defining my parameters, here. I am acutely aware that some of the psukim in Acharei Mot and Kedoshim are often referred to in many ongoing, painful battles around various issues of sexuality. In the interest of keeping this an open forum for all, I am not going to get into any of those specific arguments here. This should in no way be interpreted as me ignoring these issues--on the contrary, I find them personally relevant and quite emotional. But, I'm aware that not everyone does, and I'm just trying to keep this blog something to which as many people as possible can relate.
And let's be honest: no matter who you are, or where you fall on whatever spectrum, we all can relate to sex.
So what does the book of Vayikra have to say about sexual relations? Well, in Acharei Mot alone, I count 17 psukim that lay out the laws governing sexual relationships, and nearly every single one contains the phrase, "You shall not". There is not a lot of discussion regarding any of these prohibitions; they are simply listed matter-of-factly and then are re-stated in Kedoshim, where each one is also given its corresponding punishment.
What I'd like to focus on here is not so much the specific content of the prohibitions, but rather the issue of a cultural sexual ethic being based primarily on unequivocal and harshly punished you shall nots. Interestingly, much of the basis for the practice of shomer negiah (refraining from physical contact with members of the opposite sex) is derived from Chapter 18 of Vayikra. Essentially, we are telling young people not to think of themselves or others as sexual beings, lest they fall into the trap of committing one of these sexual sins. This abstention from all manner of sexual thought and action should continue until the moment when they are expected to fulfill our very first commandment: be fruitful and multiply.
How often does that transition actually go seamlessly?
Again, I want to stress that I'm not intending to use this forum to debate the nature of the traditional Jewish sexual ethic. What I do want to challenge is the barrier against questioning and dialogue that a long list of you shall nots puts up. It's no secret that young adults have questions and concerns about sex, about their own bodies, thoughts, and feelings. And, since we've all been young adults, we've all had these questions. It is therefore our responsibility to do more than simply begin and end the discussion with "You shall not ____." Nothing shuts down conversation faster than an absolute negative. And, few things cause more inner turmoil for young people than the misperception that something wrong with them sexually. The relationship between sexuality and eating disorders is well documented. When people feel out of sync with what is culturally expected of them sexually, many respond by taking this confusion and fear out on their own bodies. For a girl who is expected to marry and have children before she is ready, this might mean starving herself to avoid maturing into a "woman." For an individual who is ready to explore sexuality before it is culturally permitted or in a way the community frowns upon, it might look like bingeing and purging to relieve some of those built-up emotions and anxieties. One way to support young people around issues of sexuality is to invite them to air their concerns and questions with trusted adults who won't just tell them what is and is not a sin, but who will respond with compassion and understanding. It is possible to maintain a cultural sexual ethic while also making room for dialogue about it. But the absence of dialogue certainly breeds fear, confusion, and self-hatred--all of which are key ingredients for an eating disorder.
So after all that, with what can I leave you? I suppose I am hoping that if you are a young person with concerns about sexuality, you will get the message that no matter how it seems, you are not the first person on earth to wonder about whatever it is you're wondering about. I'm also hoping that if you're an adult in a position to offer counsel to a young person about these matters, that you will open the doors of conversation instead of closing them. Listen to the person talking to you; find out where he or she is at. If we can support our young people and receive their questions gently, maybe we can make the journey a little less bumpy--so that sexual development doesn't lead to inner pain, but instead can be a healthy part of a full, recovered life.
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