I really dislike curveballs...
...and yet, life seems to enjoy throwing them.
You know how it is...you have a plan, one that excites you and energizes you, one that you think will move your life in the direction you want it to go, and then...WHAM. Curveball. So much for the plan.
Very recently, I found myself in this situation--a plan that I had looked forward to with great hope and excitement suddenly fell apart and left me back at square one. Now, it's true that I've been in therapy for over a decade, but let's be real--the demise of a Really Good Plan is still cause for some serious emotional crumbling. First thought: Now what will I do? Second thought: I can't do anything. Third thought: I don't want to eat.
Yep, that was the third thought, because even in recovery, I know that when I am vulnerable, that's where my mind goes. But the amazing thing about recovery is that I can recognize such a thought as a red flag and can intervene before ever putting that thought into action. So, instead of not eating, I did the following: I cried; I reached out to someone I trusted; I distracted myself; I took a nap (all of which, it should be noted, ultimately were way more effective than going hungry). And, I thought about the concept of bitachon.
Bitachon is translated as trust. It is a way of applying the concept of "faith in Hashem" to one's everyday life. If you have faith in Hashem, then you should trust Hashem. But what does that mean?
On a simplistic level, it means understanding that Hashem would never make us go through something that wasn't ultimately for the greater good. It also means acknowledging that we don't see the whole picture--only Hashem can do that. Consequently, we might have plans that seem perfect to us, but maybe they won't ultimately get us where we need to go--and when that happens, Hashem intervenes and foils our plans. This may seem devastating to us because we can't see where we are headed--all we can see are our ruined plans. But, remembering that Hashem creates reality in a way that is for our benefit--and the world's--can help us trust that even that which seems bad, might lead us somewhere good.
However, it's important to understand that bitachon does NOT mean being complacent or believing that "everything will be fine if I just sit back and trust Hashem." Rav Shimshon Pincus Zatzal explains that when we are confronted with adversity, it is misguided bitachon to convince ourselves that there is no problem and that Hashem will handle everything. Rather, bitachon means acknowledging the severity of the challenges we face and using the tools Hashem has given us to lift ourselves out of problematic situations. Bitachon is not passive--it is the active channeling of our trust in Hashem to propel ourselves forward.
Personally, I like this idea of bitachon much better than the notion that I just should be happy no matter what my circumstances, because Hashem is taking me where I need to go. I mean, I have faith in Hashem, but I also believe in personal agency--and bitachon is the intersection of the two. Perhaps that "great plan" of mine actually wasn't in sync with Hashem's big picture--I can accept that. I can also use the skills and tools that Hashem has given me--determination, resourcefulness, thoughtfulness, patience--to find another option for myself that is better aligned with what Hashem ultimately wants for me. Yes, life threw me a curveball...but, I don't need to throw up my hands and wait for the next pitch to smack me in the face. I can pick up my glove, channel my fielding skills...and trust that Hashem will help me catch it.
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