Find Truth in the Return

Being in Israel always opens me up to parts of myself that are less accessible in other places.  Consequently, I've been thinking a lot lately about what it means to feel centered within oneself and in tune with one's inner voice.  A teacher of mine at Pardes introduced me to the work of Rav Kook (rhymes with, "look"), a brilliant Jewish scholar who also happened to be the first Ashkenazi Chief Rabbi of Palestine under the British Mandate.  Here is what Rav Kook has to say about clarity within the soul:

"When one forgets the essence of one's own soul, when one distracts his mind from attending to the substantive content of his own inner life, everything becomes confused and uncertain.  The primary step, which immediately sheds light on a darkened zone, is for the person to return to himself, to the root of his soul, and from there to the Soul of all souls..." (Orot HaTeshuva 15:10)

I may be just a fledgling Torah student, but I believe I understand what Rav Kook is saying.  When I lose sight of what is important in my life and instead become too focused on peripheral matters, I become ungrounded and insecure inside myself.  For a long time, the realities of my life seemed too painful to face.  Instead of dealing with the sources of my unhappiness, I latched onto the shiny distractions of weight and body.  As I became more and more certain that food and exercise were all that mattered, the rest of my life fell away until it was nearly gone, until I was all but unrecognizable even to myself.

Recovery has been a process of returning, of coming home to myself.  Many things have helped:  therapy, writing, and being with people who knew me prior to the eating disorder and could remind me of who I was "before."  The healthier my body became, the more I began to reconnect emotionally with the parts of myself I had forgotten, and to remember what was truly important to me.  Recovery has allowed me to become a teacher and construct a professional identity of which I am proud and through which I find deep fulfillment.  It has made possible my trips to Israel, where I've been able to prioritize my spiritual and religious growth in ways that feel vital to me.  And, it has made me available to connect with some special people who have become my closest friends and who can mirror back to me who I really am, in case I forget.

When I am in touch with my inner truth, I feel a greater sense of security about my place in the world.  I also feel more able to connect with Hashem because when I talk to Him, there is more conviction in my own voice.  I believe Rav Kook is correct--returning to oneself is key.  It doesn't solve every problem, but it allows one to be more present to develop solutions and to experience the journey on the way.

This week, give yourself some quiet space in which to think about your true self, your real priorities and your bottom lines.  Are you living in a way that honors who you are at your core?  Try to identify one way in which you could move closer to your center...and when you are ready, take the first step.